Life is a strange spectacle. Really strange. Make of it what you will. BUT MAKE SOMETHING.
Rarely do I find myself shovel in hand digging a hole in the sand. I’ve kinda become lost in the spin of the summer weeks lately. Schools out, wahoo! But I’m jobless and sort of at a loss about what to do with myself. I realize more and more how easy and trouble free my life is, and, ironically, that makes me worried. It just goes to show that when you think too much you can dig holes that were never there.
I haven’t felt this bubbly and generally excited in a long time. I’m listening to Beethoven’s ninth (inspired by finishing A Clockwork Orange) which might have something to do with it. But seriously, I feel like jumping and dancing around. I’ve been studying for Spanish for the past hour but haven’t really been able to reign in my restless mind. Soon enough I’ll be off to Norm’s to play a few rounds of Starcraft and hang out. Generally, I’m just excited about life and living and going and moving and everything. It’s hard to explain especially because this doesn’t exactly happen to me all the time. I want to do everything all at once though: read, study, play the cello, run around and exercise, go back to college, stay at home, go out with friends tomorrow, just continue everything.
Anyways, I shall leave with that! Here comes the big finish from old Beethoven. He’s the best.
So I’m smack in the middle of summer now. Community college has proved to have none of the perks I expected; it feels like I was transported back into high school. There’s no easy sailing and the workload is far from low; I’m working my butt off to keep up in my 9 units of classes and am desperately hoping to get the Ps I need.
I saw Harry Potter at the midnight release this week. Norm and I showed up (to be joined by Jessica and Casey later) at 9:30 for our 12:20 showing. It was totally mobbed which was kind of frightening. There were more people in Valco mall that night then there has been in the past year. Oh Valco. I ran into half a million people I knew though, which was really warm and cool. And the movie was pretty excellent; I shed a few tears without shame.
Generally, life has been good. I get to ride my bike a lot which always makes me happy. Even though I’ve been exercising beyond my usual norms, I’ve gained 10 pounds back since school; 10 pounds that Plaza single-handedly stole from my body.
This summer hasn’t quite been so jampacked like last year was; everyone, the people who tolerate me anyways, has been quite busy with school and jobs and growing up. I think that’s all good! Everyone seems a little more adult than before, and we’re all still happy to see each other when chances arise!
My stress levels have been mostly low since summer started, but somehow I still break out in attacks sometimes. Like when I was driving Norman around the other day. I swear, never have so many curses left my mouth for no good reason in such a short span of time. Anyways, that reminds me of a few long term goals: get the cello back out, finish the stack of books I picked out, and try to keep my head level.
Maybe it’s the biking in the heat. Maybe it’s not.
Freshman year is over. There’s a lot on my mind.
I’m having trouble coping with the limitations of 4 years of education; I want to learn about so many things. I’d love to take more humanities/literature classes and read more books; I’ve done a lot of thinking about life and humanity these past 2 quarters, and I don’t want to stop weighing ideas about what it means to be human.
At the same time, I’d like a career once I graduate in 4 years; graduating with my computer science bioinformatics degree will literally take all my available time—I have to take something like 220 units. This doesn’t quite leave space for me to explore my academic world; I wish I could take a few more humanities and liberal arts classes without seriously pushing back my graduation date. I can’t.
Other than that, it’s nice to be on summer! Finals week was a long week with very little sleep, but I managed to do well in all of my classes again.
I guess what I’m struggling with most now is memory. How can I preserve memories—in writing, in my head…? What way is best? Is there a best way? What is worth remembering in the first place? Isn’t everything?
I’m so desperately afraid of losing it, of forgetting what’s happened to me, of forgetting where I’ve been who I’ve met, and of forgetting what and who matters to me.
THE BIKE IS ABSOLUTELY FANTASTIC. Nuf said.
The year is winding down—well, winding up. Time for finals! It’s hard to believe I’ve been here since September; this school has really grown on me, and I’ll be sad to leave. This is home too. I’ll miss everyone.
In other news, I went shopping with Emily, Jessica, and Daniel this weekend. The girls helped pick out some substantially new clothing that I really like. Unfortunately, I think the clothes have been causing the allergic reaction I’ve been having since Monday. Well, they could be the cause; it doesn’t help that I ate out all weekend and changed my soap. I break out in red slightly bumpy rashes all over my chest and arms anytime my most recent dose of Benadryl wears off. I’ve literally been living off Benadryl to keep the itchiness away.
I went to the health center yesterday after being advised by the nurse hotline to come in and see a doctor, but the doctor just told me everything was fine and to deal with it. So, I just washed my sheets, towels, clothes and changed my soap. Hopefully I’ll feel some improvement soon.
It’s hard to believe summer is nearly upon us; it will be weird having absolutely nothing to worry or stress about. It’s gonna be great!
I miss home and I miss my bike and I miss not being stressed. I’m at what will hopefully be the peak of my stress these last few weeks of school. I have my chem midterm tonight, math midterm in the morning, and enrollment sometime in between. I feel like I’m eating stress. ALMOST THERE.
I really want to ride my bike right about now.
The other day I had a realization of what I want to do with my life. A revelation you could say!!!!!!sr;ldiughlsdaiughia
I encountered an older man who goes by the name of Geremy (with a g) Fitzgerald.
He gave me a puppy!!! This awakened within me a love for animals. I’m going to sell all of my possessions and move to a south american country. I’m going to open a pet palace. Where I will use my skillz of martial arts to train the animals into ninja pets and then I will sell them to wealthy Europeans and Russians.
Disneyland, yesterday, was absolutely awesome. I got sick on Friday and was feeling absolutely terrible when Sunday rolled around, but I still had a really nice time from 7 am to midnight Sunday.
As usual, Disneyland offered thrills; Space Mountain was as excellent as ever, as were Indiana Jones and the Matterhorn. Yet, the company made the whole trip. Spending the day with Paras, Ehsan, Lina, Nama, and Emily was a total blast.
I think writing about the day might alter and refocus the memories I have, and so I will refrain from any sort of summative recap. Suffice to say, I have trouble not smiling when I think about the day, and I don’t want to forget it; it borders on euphoric—and I don’t know precisely why. I do know, though, that I’m in an abnormally good mood and Disneyland was a stark contrast to my work-filled and stress-bleeding life as a college student.
I wound up only sleeping from 1 to 4 AM after getting back; even with night time cold medicine for my sickness, I haven’t slept straight through a night for the longest time. I was pretty concerned this wouldn’t bode well for the programming midterm I had at 9 AM and my subsequent chem quiz. I think I held it together, though, and did more than fine on both.
That brings me back to another topic: grades. The past few weeks I’ve been in some weird lackadaisical mood and not really pushed myself in school. My grades haven’t suffered significantly, but I think I’m getting out of my lazy phase.
I was under the impression that I ought to move focus away form school and towards personal development and friendship. I’ve realized two things about that idea. Firstly, it’s not as if I have to shift attention away from school to develop myself and think; I can add focus to that sort of personal development on top of the focus I have with school. Secondly, if I were to slow myself down on the school front, I’d be neglecting all the hard work I’ve put into the educational system since Freshman year of high school for no particular reason. Why stop running hard now? May as well keep going.
This ridiculous week has finally come to a close; all my tests and assignments are done, and I think I did moderately well on all of them. I’ve thought a bit about grades and school lately. I’m not sure the enormous effort I’ve been applying to schooling since high school has really been the right thing to do. Sometimes I feel like I’m ignoring more important things (people) in life because I’m under the impression that stellar performance in school will lead to an easier—more people-focused—lifestyle later on. I’m not planning on letting my grades slip, but I’m making a conscious effort to put my time and studies here in perspective.
I’m a little bit upset that this quarter/school year is coming to a close soon. I feel like things are slipping away; I won’t live in Argo anymore and Freshman year of college will be done—I’m not sure what I have to show for all the time I’ve spent here. I guess my real concern is that I haven’t let/made myself try enough new things and been open enough to newer experiences. Maybe college isn’t all about opening up and trying a million different things, but I feel like I owe it myself to try—time is so fleeting and I’m not sure what I’ve really accomplished this past year.
On the bright side, the group of guys I’m living with next year were lucky enough to get the first housing sign up time. We’ll for sure be able to live with each other, and we’ll get to pick exactly where our space will be in the new apartment building; ocean view is looking like a definite.